Chapter 1

I believe it would be best if I started this post by taking a survey: raise your hand if you were a Christian, who never really dated growing up, because you didn't understand how to date, or go about having relationships in a way that looked different than how the rest of the world was "dating", who didn't want to fall into "hookup culture", but also had the emotional maturity of a 14-year old when you actually did start dating because you never got to know people when the rest of your peers were?

Anyone else? Just me?

This blog is not a guide on "how to date correctly" - if I'm fully honest, I think "dating" is one of those slightly fractured products of a broken world, that won't ever really be "correct" in the sense of a "one size fits all" approach. So, if you were looking for someone who was going to tell you the correct way to have a relationship, I'm probably not your girl. But here is what I can share: my personal experience with the world of relationships, and an alternative PERSPECTIVE I hope guides your mindset around relationships for the length of this series.

I grew up with the mentality that "you date for marriage". I don't think this is a WRONG perspective - it's a very practical one, because practically speaking, there are only two ways for a relationship to end: getting married OR breaking up. But, where I personally went wrong in my perception of this truth was: the first person I date, I HAVE to marry, therefore DO NOT DATE UNTIL YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE.

Here is the problem with that: if you "don't date until you meet your spouse", then you will do what I did for most of my late teens to early 20's, and enter every single encounter with a member of the opposite sex trying to gauge whether or not you want to marry someone after one date. And here's where it gets really complicated: because you've then made up in your mind that you must know if you want to marry someone after one date, you then enter into a romantic relationship, that is meant to be a safe space for discernment and deciding if you're truly even compatible with someone, with your mind already made up that they are your spouse, offering a spousal-level of commitment and devotion for someone who has not earned it, thoroughly complicating the discernment MEANT to be taking place.

Thus, you spend the first five years of your adult life, when you're "ready to get married and meet your husband", feeling as if you've gone through a series of divorces rather than relationships (and subsequent breakups) that were supposed to teach you what qualities actually compliment you, draw you closer to the Lord, and bring out the healthiest and happiest side of yourself.

So what is the solution?

Quite unfortunately, there is no verse in the Bible about dating, a good bit about marriage, but certainly nothing that says: "talk for x amount of weeks before knowing they're the person you want to spend the rest of your life with" or "you should be friends with someone for this amount of time before its appropriate to get into a relationship", BUT scripture does say this:

“The most important one,” answered Jesus, “is this: ‘Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.’ The second is this: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’ There is no commandment greater than these.” Mark 12:29-31

“My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you.” John 15:12

“Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.” Romans 12:10

Jesus didn't teach us to DATE on another - he taught us to LOVE one another: to encourage, to serve, to think of others more than ourselves, and to draw one another CLOSER to the Lord - and if THAT is the approach we can take into RELATIONSHIPS with people, let alone a romantic one, then how far can we truly stray from what Christ is calling us to?

I don't have "regrets" about my romantic history; in the end, I have found a love that draws me closer to Christ, the fissures in my heart have been filled with the sweetest love of Christ, and I think the things that broke my heart ultimately served to draw me closer to the Lord and make me the person I am, but my heart does ache for friends and students I watch try to navigate the world of "dating" when there is a million in one directions it can be taken.

Because let me tell you a secret: there is no one way to do it "right" - and as a perfectionist, diehard lover of rules, and perpetual over-thinker, this fact killed me a little bit inside. I stayed places far longer than I should have because I wanted to do what I perceived as "correct": pursuing marriage with someone just because I got into a relationship with them.

Dating is a personal journey that is unique to every individual who pursues it, and if you do pursue it, I encourage you to seek wisdom, accountability, and guidance from the Lord as to what looks right for YOUR journey, but let me tell you this: you don't have to be afraid to say yes if you are loving people like Christ. That is "relationship advice" that far supersedes the restrictions of Valentine's Day or going on a date: that is how we should approach our co-workers, families, friends, AND the people we are romantically interested in.

How you approach dating and relationships is between you and the Lord - but if in every encounter you're taking your engagements back to the Bible and asking, "What can I do to draw myself and this person closer to Christ?" then that will shift the entire course of your relationship. Your physical boundaries remain God-honoring because you're putting the Lord first, your communication becomes clear because you want to show someone the love of Christ, you are actively seeking to DISCERN and know someone intentionally, because in loving someone more than you love yourself, you won't play with their feelings or heart, because you wouldn't want that done to you.

Before you can love others, you have to be willing to first accept the love of Christ. And once you understand the standard of love, you then understand how you can and should approach people you want to bestow love upon.

Let's love people well; let's say yes to being willing to love people.

Happy Valentine's Day!

-Emma

"I accept the great adventure of being me."