Chapter 3
- 1 hour ago
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Today, I heard something, that I don't think I've ever really thought of before:
We come into the world looking for someone who is looking for us.
Ideally, in a healthy, happy, functioning home and birth, we find this belonging in the arms of our mothers. For those of us who don't find that, we cling to the first thing that resembles found.
We see this in animals (I can't be the only one following along with Punch the Monkey and his search for belonging?), and I think we see this in ourselves. C.S. Lewis used to reference something called "the blue flower" in his writing: it was a symbol of deep longing for something unattainable. A lifelong search for a desire that will fulfill us.
I don't think we ever stop this search for wholeness - I just think we stop realizing we're doing it.
And because of this, we spend our lives looking for someone who might be looking for us, and end up finding this "belonging" in our relationships.
As a romance writer, this is a really hard line for me to draw. Because I believe in soulmates! I believe in happily ever after! And deep down, in the very depths of my soul, I believe that in some grand romantic notion, there is a person whose soul calls to another for the rest of their lives until they find their match. Their missing rib; their better half. I have witnessed too much love in my life to not believe in this notion at least a little bit.
But the problem arises when we find our security in people, when what we are really chasing is Christ.
In this blog, I have talked about:
The lie I believed about my performance being the thing that earned me the love I received
Addressed the idea of what purpose relationships serve in our lives (to make us more like Christ and spur one another on towards the Lord)
And the idea that our relationships change with time and season
But here's the catch about all of those things, that I haven't quite talked about yet:
I spent most of my life believing love from a man would "make me whole", when what I was really searching for was to be found by the Father.
I had wonderful parents, great friends, and a sweet community, and I still thought marriage would make someone who was meant just for me stay. That if I could just find the person who must be out there searching for me, the way I was searching for belonging, then the ache inside would lessen.
So, every failed relationship I had reinforced this false idea that maybe something in me just wasn't worth staying for. Maybe I wouldn't be found because I just wasn't worth finding in the first place.
And if you, dear reader, remotely struggle with this lie, please hear me when I say: it is false.
Marriage is not a magical cure-all for loneliness; it is not the way to make someone stay forever, and it doesn't "guarantee" a happy ending.
What it does do is serve as a tool for sanctification, glorifying Christ, modelling Jesus and the Church, and spurring on a fellow believer to hopefully lead a few more people closer to the Lord.
Marriage is a beautiful depiction of what's to come; it is a physical and tangible taste of the glory of Christ that we eagerly await one day, but it is not the place you find your identity. It can't be - no relationship can hold up to the expectation of a void Christ needs to fill.
So, what did I do? I started realizing that the minute I gave my life to Christ, I was found.
And the minute I came into existence I was known.
I have amazing parents who do their absolute best to make me feel heard, seen, and loved. And I now have an incredible man who does that too! He seeks to know everything he possibly can about me, in hopes of loving me and serving me better - and it is such a blessing! My life is richer and sweeter because of these relationships and people, but even their best efforts pale in comparison to God who looks at me and says this:
"For you formed my inward parts; you knitted me together in my mother's womb. I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works; my soul knows it very well. My frame was not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, intricately woven in the depths of the earth. Your eyes saw my unformed substance; in your book were written, every one of them, the days that were formed for me, when as yet there was none of them." - Psalm 139:13-16
Before I ever started searching, the Lord had already called me found.
Before any relationship could ever prescribe my worth, the Lord called me wonderful.
We are all looking for someone to be looking for us; we were designed that way - and I just have to believe that this was an intentional design from an intentional God, who was looking AT you before the world ever could. Who has been looking for you from before your first breath, who doesn't stop looking at you ever. Who knows your soul, every bitter, broken, and beautiful part, and still died for you. Died BECAUSE of how deeply He loves you!
Relationships are beautiful, they are blessings, but the thing that fills us, heals us, and brings us hope has to be Christ, or we will be looking for the rest of our lives.
You can stop searching; you're already found.
Welcome home...
-Emma
"I accept the great adventure of being me."
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